My neighbour ‘knows’ I’m a narcissist - reflections on how we are perceived

I had an uncomfortable experience recently in a course where I shared an example that was a poor illustration of something that I was trying to elaborate on. My actual words in that instance, in so many ways, don’t resonate with me or at least, whilst a true example, were not really sharing what I was aiming at. It came out of my mouth, with my words, and was recorded. And I intended that it came from a place of compassion and an open heart. Which feels important for me to come back to as I squirmed and recognised my discomfort in a space of perhaps being seen or thought of as different to how I perceive myself.

It was a poor example. Clumsy. I've had, probably hundreds of more eloquent conversations with others on the same topic, but sometimes I can dash in and enthusiastically share and here I did, and on reflection it feels a bit yucky. Like I got it wrong. Which if you listened to my words, I feel like it’s fair to say that I did. If you listened to my heart and what I feel and know I stand for…well then that perhaps made my words even more clumsy. The example was a poor one. I had plenty of other things I could have shared - or even shut up, and my point was that it didn’t illustrate well what I was trying to say well.  It felt wrong. Which left me feeling irritated at myself for my lack of eloquence and good explanation in the space. Not getting across what I was trying to and potentially being misunderstood.

There is learning about better expression here, and I’ll take that forward. And also, for me at least, learning around being able to be misunderstood and potentially thought badly of.

How I think others perceive me, and allowing that not to feel congruent with who I feel I am, is definitely something I am still learning, working on and feeling my way around. I’m miles on from where I was years ago - with still plenty of room to grow.

My neighbour, for example, ‘knows’ that I’m a narcissist. ‘Knows’ as in that is her belief. To her, it is a fact. I took some time to examine her ‘fact’ after she shouted it at me some time ago and decided that personally I know, or I at least feel I know that I am pretty confidently, most likely not a narcissist. Of course, perhaps a question is if one were, would one sign up to the label or not?!

That query aside, it was one of her best teaching points for me over our at times quite uncomfortable relationship. And I am incredibly grateful for it.

It is able to inform my discomfort in this space somewhat. And whilst I am still working with it; the recent experience is definitely shining a light that I haven’t let go of what others perceive of me being important to me. More work to do and hey, that’s one of the joys for me in this discomfort. And really each time. This time there’s definitely a highlight on a need to be able to express my heart more eloquently. And perhaps to pause more too.

That day felt like a rushing day. It had more packed into it than I could get through. This week, if I’m honest, this month, has had a few too many tasks if I stop and listen in. And perhaps that is very relevant learning also.

Stepping back, slowing, creating space. Interestingly they are some areas the course has touched upon so perhaps my experience was, whilst not comfortable, exactly what I needed. After all, my favourite mantra is ‘it’s all learning.’ Most of my best learning comes from the moments that aren’t exactly glorious, where I didn’t 'get it right'. Or at least felt that way.

Permission to get it wrong too, feels important somehow. For that, what comes to mind for me is the beautiful Morgan Freeman and his line in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves** that ‘there are no perfect men in this world, only perfect intentions.’ Here’s to fking up and learning from it all. In all the ways that we can.

Interestingly, for me at least, half of my observation, the other part aside from my poorly worded, badly explained attempt at standing in someone else’s shoes, was whether someone could experience a scenario with curiosity and creativity meeting discomfort in an unexpected situation with compassion for the self, compassion for the whole energy of any emotions arising and embracing the potential creative spark in the unexpected. Perhaps it is time to do just that for myself.

Here’s then too, to compassion, creativity and curiosity. Along with being delightfully human. Which is not getting it right all the time. Or at least, certainly not for me ;)


This experience has sparked something in me and may be a start of a few blogs on the topic, or even the seed of a project to bear fruit. I'm aware I'm not the only person in the world that fucks up here and there. And perhaps I am not the only one who is up in the night reflecting on their learning around it. I used some really useful tools learnt over the years and am grateful for all of that too. I'm not sure what form a project going forwards may take... It may look like just a blog here and there, and may be a circle space to explore, create and reflect, or may be something entirely different altogether.


** I actually think that may be the exact moment that I fell in love with Morgan Freeman. I wrote the quote on a postcard sized framed card full of my favourite quotes back when I was about 14. Since I’m here with my Robin Hood trivia, one of my draws to see the film was that Kevin Costner went skinny dipping and, well, the waterfall scene. I like to think that 14 year old me would be happy that I wove Morgan, being imperfect as a human, skinny dipping - and Kevin’s naked bum into a blog on fking up and learning from it.

14 year old me would definitely be pleased I swam in the waterfall from the film last year. Here's to life. Diving in. Fking up. Learning. Loving. Ourselves and others.